Good news, folks! Feminist, career-driven Geminini is cross-breeding with Pluto, the planet-God of disappointing sex and small penises. For those who intertwine with the cosmic love juice, (those born on a Thursday) will recieve a surprise in the coming months. It's not really a good one, but not really a bad one. It's not really a surprise either.
Fantastic news, my fellow earth-dwellers. If you were born before the government officially put the large batteries in the sky and brainwashed us all to think there's always been a sun, then you are gonna love the lunar intersection between Aries and Jupiter. This rare planetary phenomena will grant a thousand years of good luck. The only problem is that nobody knows when the government actually planted the sun, as that was obviously part of the brainwashing. You'll just have to try gambling and see for yourself.
If you were born on the third of the month, please don't go outside today. Saturn is very angry.